How can I realise I'm just not fine? Everything's going wrong. Nothing good ever happens. I can only say that I'm glad to be alive, and.. I'm not even sure if I'm really glad. Sometimes I just think that everything would be much easy, if I just disapeer... but then I think of my family, my friends, and how guily and hurt would they feel.
I'm just lost. I lost control of everything. I feel like I can trust nobody, like no one ever cared. At least the person that I would like to care about me, doesn't do it. People should be more carefull with their word, or even actions. They might feel confused, but when they start haveing some kind of conversations or actions, they'll make me confused. Everything sounds so realistic, that I actually believe with no control of myself. And then, 24hours ou less it stops. It was just an ilusion. Like everything in life. There's all an ilusion. We all believe in vaccum. I'm going to honest: I believed. I can't deny it. But right now I feel guilty and... hurt, I guess. And all of this because I fucking believed. Because I was stupid enough to fell for your words, for your look, for your smile, for your actions, for your smell, for your hugs, for your 'I love you''s, for you. And deal with this pain is so hard, hideing this is so freaking hard. Why do I have to hide? Why did I have do get involved? What would have happened if I just let you did it? How would we be right now? It's just so confused. My head is a totally mess. It's like a war between right or wrong, truth and lies, what to believe or what not to believe. I don't even know... I just feel worthless.. like I'm so easy to give up.
I don't know why am I writing about this. I keep saying in my head 'I don't feel nothing', but I feel. I don't want tho, but unfortunally I feel. I can't deny it, but at the same time I can't accept it either. But how can I avoid this feelings, if everytime I look at him, he reminds me of how I really feel about him? The right thing to do is forget, right? Ugh so many questions over my head. So many questions which I need answers.
But you're the only person that could give me that answers. You're the only person that could pull me out of this darkness. Out of this uncertain. But you refused to give me those answers. So that's it. I wish you could read this and realise how hurt I am. How disapointed I am. But whatever, it's time to let it go.
- 2014/03/21
xoxo
